Years Pass, But Some Things Never Change

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I suppose I could take the memory of you and lock it up in a black box and toss it into the darkness.
I can pretend you never reached through the sharp, rugged exterior of my walls and touched the deepest, warmest, most sincere parts of my soul.
I can move forward without looking back at what we lost so soon after we found it.
I can find someone who will hold my hand and whisper secrets into my ear.
I can find someone who wants to wrap me in silver and diamonds and show me off.
I can do anything I want, really, but I can’t go back.
I can’t have your sweet scent or your soft touch ever again.
I’m not ready to say goodbye to my dear friends, the sweet sensations that made my days feel more worthwhile.
I’m afraid to let go of the only hands that held me when I cried, and opened the door to my future only to back out behind me.
I will never have you again, but I’ll be scarred by your memory and I’ll wear it proudly like all the rest.
I only wish I could leave my mark on you as you have on me.
I can only hope that you’ll think of me from time to time and miss me, like I miss you.
I can only hope one day you realize that you loved me, as I loved you, as I still do
and probably always will.

“7 Stages of Grief”

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So, I have been dealing with a breakup for the past year and a half. This was the relationship I never thought would end. I loved this boy and I have been grieving the loss of him from my life. I was curious what those stages of grief were, the ones I always hear about on TV and what not. I decided it would be helpful for me to identify which stages I have gone through to see how far I’ve come.

7 Stages of Grief:

  1. SHOCK & DENIAL – It took at least two weeks for me to really take in the fact the our relationship had ended. I was pretty clearly shocked and I wanted to deny it, but it was an undeniable fact that it was over. I was, however, in denial about how over it really was. I held on to hope in my mind that things would rekindle between us for far longer than I should have. I guess part of me holds onto those fantasies, but recognizes how silly they are.
  2. PAIN & GUILT – I felt pain and guilt very immediately and constantly for the entire length of time we have been apart thus far. Up until this point, and I’m sure going forward, I have had a notable pain in my chest, where a heart might normally be located. I felt a lot of guilt for pushing you away and for being the way I was. I knew you deserved so much better and I felt unworthy and ashamed of myself.
  3. ANGER & BARGAINING – Simultaneously, I felt apologetic and guilty for not being able to make us happy and I felt angry and resentful towards you for not loving me. I wanted to rationalize things in my mind but I couldn’t get past the fact that we were falling apart because of me. I knew I was to blame and I was angry with myself for ruining the best thing in my life.
  4. “DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS – Depression was nothing new for me, but it was certainly intensified by the loss of my closest friend and only love I’ve ever been sure of. I spent a lot of time thinking about what I did wrong and how I could have possibly salvaged our relationship. I have realized a lot of things about myself and about how we functioned. I realize that I was never what you wanted, so there was no way I would ever make you happy. I have since embraced the notion of loneliness. I can easily find guys to have sex with, but that is not what I want to do. I am disgusted by the thought and anytime a guy tries to touch me, it makes me shudder.
  5. THE UPWARD TURN – In a sense, I have seen an upward turn. I have been able to focus on new things like preparing for grad school. I have been engrossed in my new job. I look forward to getting my own apartment when I move back to Boston after a while longer in New York. I have been having a crazy experience in New York. I have been trying to try a lot of new things and experience life. I’m certainly doing better than i was was this time a year ago, but I can’t say I’m totally better yet.
  6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH – I guessI am probably in the midst of this step right now. I have a lot of reconstructing to do in my life with a lot of different relationships. I am sure there is someone, somewhere who loves me, who I love. I am sure that once my life becomes stable, things will fall into place and things will make more sense.
  7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE – I look forward to this stage.

Resistance.

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As a child I had a strong resistance to growing up. I watched my three older sisters transform before my eyes from innocent young children to rebellious teenagers. I was afraid to be like them. I never wanted to be a teenager or an adult; to me they were evil and scary. They got older and they were meaner to me, because they got cooler and I stayed a little kid.

 

I got older too, though. It didn’t matter how hard I fought it, I couldn’t resist time. I was forced to grow up because I had to deal with some grown up situations. Once I got through all of that, I felt invincible. I hated that feeling. I wanted to feel vulnerable again, like when I was a child, or like when I thought I was in love. I wanted to have a light heart and to smile. Instead my days were full of anger and hatred. I hated everyone else and I hated myself. I hated the world because I felt alone and afraid. I wanted the rest of the world to feel as bad as I did, since I couldn’t feel as good as them. I would never be as good as everyone else. I had been mistreated throughout the years by many people who claimed to love me. I felt like love, too, was evil. I wanted nothing to do with any of it.

 

I resisted love for as long as I could. I had boyfriends who loved me and I could never love them back. I knew they would ultimately hurt me, so I wouldn’t let them, and instead I hurt them. I walked away and started over somewhere new. I always wanted that feeling but I was afraid of what would come next. I ran from the pain I knew was coming, but I craved the vulnerability.

 

Once an opportunity struck, I grabbed hold with all my might. There was a man who, when I met him, was just a boy. He was quiet and shy. He was brilliant and hard working. He admired things about me I didn’t ever recognize until he pointed them out. He was sweet and he loved his mother. This was very important to me; a man’s relationship with his mother says a lot about how he will treat you. He was defensive and loving with her. He wanted to guard her, but she was strong. She did not need his protection, she only wanted his love. He was not an affectionate person, and I imagine even his mother wishes he would be more open with her.

 

He resisted love, too. He wanted affection but he did not want to dish it out, himself. He ultimately ran away, just like I always did. We are more alike than I thought. I resist the idea that we were meant to be because, well, we can’t be.

 

I resist the feelings of emptiness that follow any memory of him. I resist the urge to reach out to him. Instead, I look blindly towards the future, hoping that he was never right for me. I hope for something better to come along, or not. I hope for isolation to become peaceful. I hope for my heart to someday be overflowing with joy like it has in the past.

 

I wonder if I will ever feel so happy as when I was gazing at the stars by your side the very first time.