I am 23 years old.
What is dating?
When I was 15, my first boyfriend asserted a relationship upon me and I reluctantly obliged.
We dated for a year and a half. He was manipulative, aggressive, and abusive.
My second boyfriend was not my boyfriend. I was 18, he was 21.
I wouldn’t let him too close; we saw eachother for about a month.
He stopped speaking to me abruptly, leaving me in utter confusion.
He left me for a 16 year old girl.
These guys did not get much of a taste of who I am.
They got no deeper than the surface.
Then there was Danny, who was good to me.
He was easy. He was kind. He was shallow.
He didn’t care about the intricasies of my mind and my soul.
He didn’t care about the pain in my past.
He cared about nice dinners and gifts.
He cared about formalities.
He treated me like a princess without ever trying to learn who I truly am.
He lasted 3 years.
I left him in an attempt to free myself of the burden that was keeping him happy.
I couldn’t be myself with him. He expected me to be someone I have never wanted to be.
He could never understand the darkness inside of me.
After leaving him, I was sure I was done looking for companionship, and thats when companionship found me.
I met a boy who seemed fascinated by who and what I am.
He was easy to get along with and we had so much in common.
I was excited by the things he found interesting and I was excited that I was one of them.
Over time, I would reveal things to him that would explain different aspects of me and my life.
I would tell him about the tragedy so he would understand the trauma.
He could never understand, though. At least not without wanting to.
I couldn’t make him care the way I cared about him.
His stories all revealed him to be greater than I ever could have imagined and I think my stories did just the opposite.
It was a secret how truly wonderful he was
It was a secret how truly terrible I am.
The more he knew, the more distant he became.
Finally, I had a breakdown.
He saw the parts of me I never intended to show him.
He was afraid of who I was.
How, now, might you suggest I go about opening up in the future?
When so many have been satisfied with nothing.
And the few who got any bit of me have thrown it back as they fast as they could.
Now that it seems there is another willing soul
Waiting to hear the stories that unravel my knotted way of being
Should I even bother?
How do you know when its worth it?
To reveal yourself as vulnerable and weak
To let down your defenses
and trust that someone wants a piece of you
for any reason other than
to crush you.